Nervous? Oh, yes. Very Much

      

           

"Don't be nervous and mess things up. The examiners are not as bad as you think but most of all, do NOT be nervous and screw your chances.I will be there for all of you. Best of luck and do well", the words spoken to by our Principal to a hall full of students, dressed in uniform and a lab coat.

My eyes opened and I see a blurry, orangish visage of my bedroom.It takes a while to adjust my eyes as my eyelids refuse to stay open. I roll over lazily and grope around for my phone. The brightness is too much for my tired eyes but as I squint to see the time, the numbers tell me that it is well over 6 in the morning. Left with no other option, I get up and offer my morning prayers.Although the morning felt peaceful and calm, I was far from calm.

Something heavy inside me makes me aware that I am stressed to the core. My internals start from today at around 3 in the afternoon yet here I am,lying wide awake in my bed. My stomach flip-flopped so hard at the very thought of today's exam that I desperately looked for a distraction.I tip-toe to my parents, gently swipe my Father's phone and started to play Genshin. I absorbed myself in that for a whole hour, doing a rather sad quest where I have to complete a cleansing ritual to prevent the region of Inazuma from being consumed by evil.

I try my best to fall asleep again but the fearful thoughts rob me of my sleep completely, even though my exam starts after like 12 hours.After a few tries, I give up on sleep and try to eat my breakfast. My stomach absolutely refused to digest the food but I had no time to make myself sick so I stopped eating.Later on, I would even skip lunch because I was very much on edge. My mother tried to get me to eat but I staunchly refused.The sound of my vehicle coming to pick me up sent a wave of somersaults in my stomach. I tried to dash from the house,unable to bear the feeling in my stomach but not before my Mother planted a kiss on my cheek and an ardent blessing from my Father.

These exams are rather feared by students because they are being judged by someone who is completely new to you and is assessing your every move, every word and every movement that you make. Colleges tend to hype students up for these type of exams by repeatedly taking mock practicals and the like but it still doesn’t stamp away the lingering sense of destruction inside the hearts of a thousand, shivering, hormonal bunch of 17 year olds.  

Despite having being repeatedly consoled by the 5 friends who have had their labs started ahead of us; me and my other 2 friends weren’t exactly looking good. Although they convinced us that the externals and internal examiners are good, this piece of news did nothing to assuage our dread and fear. Add to it, the fact that I am a loner in my batch with only one girl that I can rely on without feeling dumb. I must say though, that I had a lot of fun interacting with my batch mates. It felt like a breath of fresh air and I felt the thrill of interacting with new people. The thing that soured my perception was that people relied COMPLETELY on me without much regard for my own will, but more on that later.

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"You’re in this batch too? ", a familiar voice called out to me in our chemistry lab, the day before the finals began. I turned to my side and recognized the voice belonging to a boy with whom we share our group with. I had never conversed with him in our 2 years of studying in the same college, despite the fact that he talked with half of my friends. Say what you want, but right now I am describing a much closeted introvert here. 

"Y-Yes", I said, almost relieved to see another familiar face in the crowd of unknown. The one girl in my group,whom I shall refer to as Tee, that I trusted was really focused. She always made sure to drag me around the lab, helping me practice the connections or by just revising. For that, I am eternally and truthfully grateful to her. 

His batch number was different. I was 22 and he was 9. Our batches had 12 students each. Each batch was paired with a random batch so this was a rather pleasant surprise to me.

That day , after coming home, I dialed up my friend named Mil, and made her articulate every single thing that she did during her lab (chemistry was her first lab ).From the salt analysis to the second she stepped out of the door , she patiently accounted her experience. 

“So how did your titration go?” I asked nervously

“It went great. Although my readings weren’t right. I had to tweak a few things to get it righ-“

“HUH?! Then what did you do?!”. I interrupt her loudly, panicking

“Calm down! I just filled the burette until the mark that’s all “, She replied

“And the examiner didn’t look or anything?”

“Like I said, the staff is good and the lab as well. You get your own set of reagents so don’t worry at all.” She attempted to console me. I had given up trying to cheer myself so that I won’t get my hopes up.

“But the titr-“

“I’m telling you”, it felt like she was summoning patience to assure me for the nth time and I instantly felt guilty, “You don’t have anything to worry about. Just make sure you study a little theory, just in case.”

I stayed quiet letting her words reach me.

"You are really nervous right now, I can tell", I could tell that she was smiling

"Of course I am. I am a wreck",trying to laugh but failing.

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The chemistry lab the next day was a success for everyone but I could never forget how I was paralyzed for a whole minute with fear, unable to write anything. It took me a while to shakily jot down the stuff I remembered as I examined the salt, which was an amorphous powdery solid. With trembling hands, I carried out my salt analysis. My moment of absolute misery was when i was unable to decipher the confirmatory results for calcium and magnesium.Tee was opposite to me, so on the pretext of washing my test tube, I asked her my doubt.She glanced around surreptitiously and mouthed the answer.With relief nearly knocking me out, I carried out the rest peacefully.

......

The courtyard of the college was huge and lined with banyan trees.The entire ground was littered with brown leaves which crunched as we walked on them.The late afternoon wind was cool and refreshing as we sat down on the benches, relieved that the day came to an end.

''My bias is V'', Tee declared, as if proving something completely unproved.

"Mine is Jung kook. He’s so cute!'', said another girl.

My God.These girls are down bad for them.

"Yoona, don’t you have one?" asked the same girl.

"Ah well I don’t know ", I shifted my legs thoughtfully. " I don’t follow them but since they kept popping everywhere on the internet... I guess I might say…N-Namjoon".

"Namjoon? Really?",she looked surprised.

Well..yes. Considering the fact that he is rather mature-looking, I do not understand why no one hypes him up too. My knowledge of BTS, the heart throb of the entire girl populace, is little to none at all. I have firsthand experience of how addicting K-pop can be, so I stay away from music. I appreciate having lesser distraction because I am easily distracted. 

"She doesn’t follow them", Tee said empathetically. I wonder if there are any girls who instantly get scrutinized if ever they have a bias other than Jung kook , Tae-hyung or even J-hope.

"It’s not just them, I don’t follow any male actors these days", I shrugged

 "Huuh, seriously?"

"Yes",I replied calmly, not the least bit ashamed. 

We all laugh and I think to myself. These are all the people that I never thought I would have to talk to.  I felt at peace for a moment, as the wind whistled through, picking up fallen leaves from the ground where we stood. 

From a nerve racking start of the day to a peaceful and carefree evening, the day passed amicably. Each moment was either saturated with dread or with laughter.It is rather incongruous as to how two inexplicably different emotions can co-exist in a single day. How we beg for God's mercy and then end up profusely thanking him for the day.A blazing sun that starts the day and a lovely calm moon to end the night. 

 

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